Relationships: Why do they last less time?

Whatever our age, surely we have heard in our environment or in casual conversations in cafes, subway stops or social networks themselves, about the transience of relationships nowadays, how difficult it is for emotional bonds to last and be stable… That the times of our fathers, mothers, grandfathers and grandmothers were better regarding relationships and love.

So we have asked ourselves: What has changed, has another time in the past really been better? What could be the reason for this change in the way we relate and bond in love? Is it true that relationships last less time than they used to? And if so, what can we do about it?

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 Why do relationships last less time?

Love relationships in modernity have been profoundly transformed, in part due to social, economic and technological changes that have reconfigured the way people connect. The intellectual Zygmunt Bauman, in his work Liquid Love, proposes that these transformations have led to a more fluid and less committed way of loving, characterized by the fragility and temporality of bonds

Using Bauman’s notion of liquid love, together with a gender approach and John Bowlby’s attachment theory, we will analyze how these forces affect relationships and expectations about love in our times to understand what is happening, how to position ourselves and what we want from this new way of bonding.

Liquid Love in Modernity

Bauman describes liquid modernity as an era in which the social structures and institutions that once provided stability and continuity have been replaced by a more flexible and volatile reality. And, in the face of this change, love has also become liquid, that is, it has lost its solidity and stability. Love relationships are no longer conceived as long-term commitments, but as temporary connections that can be discarded as easily as they were established.

 

The metaphor of “liquidity” reflects the essence of a love that adapts quickly to changing circumstances, but also lacks depth and durability. Instead of seeking to build a solid relationship, many people in this liquid modernity tend to prioritize immediate gratification and personal convenience. This search for instant gratification and avoidance of commitment are characteristic of cultures that value novelty and flexibility over stability and durability, facts that are surely familiar to us.

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Keys to understanding our current couple relationships:
The Gender Approach and Bowlby’s Attachment Theory.

The Gender Approach

Historically, societal expectations about love and relationships have been deeply influenced by traditional gender roles. Women have been socialized to seek stable, long-term relationships, while men have been allowed a greater degree of sexual freedom and independence. However, in liquid modernity, these gender dynamics are changing.

On the one hand, women are gaining greater autonomy and freedom to explore our desires and needs outside the confines of traditional relationships. This has allowed many women to challenge heteronormative gender norms and seek relationships that align more closely with their own interests and needs. On the other hand, this change has also brought with it new pressures and expectations, as we may feel compelled to adapt to a culture of disposable relationships, generating anxiety and insecurity for not being aligned with our desires and affective needs.

In addition, power inequalities continue to influence relationship dynamics: women often continue to be judged by our desire for stable, long-term relationships, while men are granted greater permissiveness to avoid commitment. This imbalance can increase the fragility of relationships in this liquid modernity, perpetuating cycles of dissatisfaction and emotional disconnection.

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Bowlby’s Attachment Theory

John Bowlby’s attachment theory is fundamental to understanding modern liquid relationships. Bowlby proposed that early attachment experiences with our caregivers, usually our mothers and fathers, profoundly influence the interpersonal relationships we will have throughout life. According to his theory, there are different attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment, which shape the way we approach love and intimacy: how we understand, feel and live it.

In the context of today’s liquid modernity, anxious and avoidant attachment styles are particularly relevant. People with anxious attachment may experience an intense need for closeness and validation, which may lead them to cling to unstable relationships or desperately seek emotional connection in a world that offers few guarantees of stability. Feeling constant insecurity and devaluation for people with this type of attachment is normal as relationships are easily disposable.

On the other hand, people with avoidant attachment may tend to maintain an emotional distance, avoiding deep commitment for fear of vulnerability or rejection. They find in liquid love a justification for avoiding commitment and maintaining superficial relationships.

Liquid love, with its emphasis on immediacy and lack of commitment, can exacerbate these attachment styles, creating a cycle of unsatisfactory and ephemeral relationships, which generate discomfort and other consequences such as the deterioration of our self-esteem, social skills, etc.

The interrelationship between these elements that we have outlined above may suggest that women, for example, may experience a conflict between our desire for autonomy and social pressures to maintain stable relationships. If we are the ones with an anxious attachment style, this conflict may intensify our insecurity in relationships, leading us to constantly seek approval and security from our partners. On the other hand, if we maintain a relationship with a man with an avoidant attachment style, he may feel comfortable with this liquid love that does not demand a deep commitment, thus perpetuating superficial and transitory relationships.

 Research on attachment styles tells us that there are gender differences in the distribution of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Although secure attachment tends to be the most common, women are more likely to show anxious-preoccupied attachment, and men tend to show a more avoidant-dismissive attachment.

Towards more conscious love and relationships

Establishing lasting attachments in this world of liquid love is possible, and we must recognize how our early attachment experiences and gender expectations influenced – and influence – our relationships and ourselves as individuals. In doing so, we can begin to build more meaningful and satisfying connections that transcend the superficiality of liquid modernity and are based on a deeper understanding of ourselves and our emotional needs.

How to achieve long-lasting and satisfying relationships?

Love today does not have to be a condemnation to fragility and disconnection. If we invest in cultivating greater awareness and reflection, it is possible to develop relationships that, although flexible, are also deep, authentic and lasting over time; we can work towards a future where love is not only fluid, but also conscious and meaningful.

For this, you have at your disposal in Integria Psychology a whole team of expert psychologists in attachment and couple therapy, with whom you can review and work on all those aspects that, upon reading this article, have resonated with you, with your relationship and you want to share with us.

Irene Serrano Neira

Health psychologist expert in anxiety, attachment, gender violence, trauma and migration processes.

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Hi, I'm Irene, psychologist at Integria Psicologia 👋🏻

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